Tell you about it?
I really can’t
do that. I can “speak of ” it, “announce” it, or “state what happened”. But tell
you? I really can’t do that.
Why you ask me??
Well the answer starts
back in about 2016 when people had gotten into the habit of reacting
to news of any significance only after reading about it in the news and
information digester, or simply “
digester”, of their choice.
And of course, by 2016, there
were lots to choose from. All putting things in “context”, or in
“perspective”; all curating and reassembling facts, and all telling you what “the take away” is and
just plan differing on how to “tell” a story. So by 2020 when everything went
down, people were getting their news digested by so many sources in so many
ways, no one was getting anything near what resembled the same story-
about anything. Even when a story was captured on a cell phone or by a drone! Even
when they saw it with their own eyes! People
still waited for their news digester to tell them what they saw.
And that- all that
telling-is what really led to The Telling
Riots that broke out on September 3, 2022. That’s why a news event that should
have been considered a monumentally exciting scientific discovery, broke
society as we knew it and why I really can’t tell you anything anymore. For instance. I shouldn’t be telling you about this. But I am. Because it’s important and you really
do have to know.
It started over something
so simple.
A family of four, living
in Schaumburg IL was playing with a litter of eight-week old puppies born to the
family’s golden retriever, Trixie. The father of Trixie’s litter was Roscoe, a
beagle, and the only male dog within a few blocks who had
somehow made it to 6 with his privates intact.
The male head of the
household who owned Trixie was thrilled to have something of interest to put on
social media, (it later became known that he had been treated in 2020 for social
media attention addiction) so he posted hours of video of their six puppies via
a puppy –cam on every conceivable social media outlet. Puppies had been done before, had been done
for years, but something about these puppies was so unique the feed went viral
almost immediately. Not just viral, the puppy –cam “broke the internet” as they
used to say.
Why you ask me again?
Well, I’ll tell you why.
Yes, I’ll TELL you. I have to tell you so you’ll understand.
They talked!
The puppies talked! Clear middle American, mid-western English! And so did Trixie! But with a slight southern accent. (She was born and raised in Alabama.)
Of course, there was much
excitement. Actually, there was hysteria. No one had ever heard a dog talk
before! People had wondered about and
hoped for such a thing for hundreds of years- as long as dogs and people have
lived together. And now, finally, it was
part of the world’s reality. What could this possibly mean for our society?
The digesters immediately
went to work telling people the answer.
All of them, from your local Patch to the NY
Times “weighed in”. (Another phrase banned from our language because it signals
a “telling”. And besides everyone was sick of it.) Of course all the digesters’
tellings were different and many were in conflict.
For example, when some digesters stated that testing should be done on Trixie and her litter hoping to prove
it was all a hoax, the digesters who spoke to groups who wanted to ban animal testing became enraged. So the “testers” in order to prove that their
tests were harmless, offered to do their testing live on camera. This worked the digesters who spoke for the
media outlets into a frenzy as to who would get broadcast and advertising
rights. When college students heard of
the impending
broadcast their digesters demanded a 20-second delay, with
trigger warnings because it was rumored that some of the puppies were prone to
vile politically incorrect statements when under stress. This got the educators’ digesters in an
uproar because if these pups were this unmanageable
perhaps one or two must have ADHD or were on the spectrum and forget testing. Early
intervention was called for instead.
The agricultural
interests’ digesters wanted no testing, broadcasting, or intervention of any
kind because if we started treating dogs that talked just like humans, what would
happen if a few plants started talking a blue streak? How would they stay in
business, not to say what would we all eat since most people had given up meat; afraid
that other talking animals might show up on their dinner table.
The nudists’ digesters
said don’t worry about plants, they knew for a fact the only ones that talk are
hemp and cotton, and by the way, they’re saying such nasty, evil stuff they
certainly deserve to be eradicated. (The point had been made about leather and
if people couldn’t wear cotton or hemp what was left? Wool?
In these temperatures?)
Koko the gorilla who had
been signing for years and had maintained a small but loyal following signed
that all plants do talk, they just talk very quietly and slowly and only
Lowland gorillas can hear them. Most
digesters dismissed this statement as the meanderings of a jealous has-been whose
thunder had been stolen.
Then when the Chinese
digesters, who had suspected that dogs could talk for centuries but considered
them a delicacy anyway, read about Koko they offered to take him back to China
where he’d be shown the kind of respect a signing low-land gorilla deserves.
This angered the North
Korean digesters who wanted a signing gorilla of their own and were afraid that
without one they would be viewed as a second-class power.
Of course, the PETA’s
digesters basically told everyone in so many words I told you so. And now
you’re all banished to hell.
It was a real mess of
tellings. But for the first time, all these various “tellings” were pissing people off.
Groups’ splintered,
families split up. Friends no longer spoke. Fights broke out in the street.
Redditt had sub-sub-sub groups. Each and every one of the digesters had such
different takeaways about the pups in such self-righteous, all-knowing terms
that anyone who read one digester couldn’t break bread with anyone who read another.
And just when the tension
in the world was almost unbearable the unthinkable happened. Trixie and her
puppies were kidnapped from their back yard without a trace.
They were never seen
again.
How could this be?
One last time the people
turned to their news digesters for answers.
But this time it was different. The
people weren’t interested in assigning blame to their favorite digesters’
bogeyman. As a matter of fact, the people realized it was the digesters who
were at fault for this kidnapping. If
they hadn’t pit group against group and driven some group or someone to do this
loathsome thing, Trixie and her wonderful brood would still be with us instead
of lost to us all, forever.
Did it make sense? Maybe
not. But people were angry-mad as hell.
So it was no surprise when one thing became increasingly clear to almost every
living being. The digesters had to go.
But who to lead the
charge? Who to trust to reestablish the establishment?
Well as you know after a
few tumultuous months, a great leader did emerge who led the great uprising that
started September 3, 2022. He and his pack of supporters took on the digesters.
They started by storming
30 Rock, and the Ed Sullivan Theater just to make a statement. Then they made
sure all the local cable companies’ offices were burned to the ground. Any big
box store that sold TVs, computers, or internet devices was ransacked multiple
times making business impossible. Once this pack of rebels was voted into
office anything with the label 'smart' was banned. Nothing was streamed. This time the internet
literally was broken. Eventually, after years of upheaval and unrest, social
media came to mean leaving your calling card near someone’s mailbox.
So why am I risking all and telling you this? Because it is your legacy and it is your turn to take over. Now on your sixth birthday, just like your great, great, many times great grandfathers before you, and your first known grandfather many years ago on September 3, 2022, it is your turn to lead us and keep us safe from tellings and digesters. It’s your turn Roscoe the 15th."
“Woof!!”
"Roscoe please! Use your words."
