Big Time Radio, Chapter 3 - "Bing, Bang, Boom"

Story so far:  The Old Saleswoman finally made a sale at her new gig at KDKA-Radio in Pittsburgh- to a fireworks dealer.  She's now on her way back to the radio station, eager to share the good news with her colleagues.

All the salesmen reported back to the radio station at the end of the day to book their orders because of the 18-minute commercial limit. No one could risk getting shut out, and we were coming up on the busy Fourth of July weekend. It was first come, first served, which led to some pretty crazy races to the traffic desk and more than a few nasty blow-ups. I hustled up I-79 in order to get to the station in time to strut around a bit before the race was on.

As I drove up to the station, Roxanne and Gene waved me down. I’d completely forgotten we were supposed to make calls together that afternoon. Gene stuck his head in my car window, “We knew you wouldn’t forget. What appointments do you have set for us? ”

Roxanne got in the front seat, Gene climbed in the back beside the laundry basket.

Before I could answer Gene asked, “What do you have here? Dynamite?”

Gene had a real nervous laugh. So did Roxanne.

“And in the shoebox, is this your money? I see a little grass in there too.” Another giggle. Roxanne turned to look, twisting her neck at an unnatural angle.

“No and no. It’s a surprise.” I told them. “You’ll see.”

I took them on a couple of boring, straightforward calls to people I knew would likely be in, and willing to sit through my pitch on AM versus FM. Roxanne and Gene were very quiet during the calls and the ride back to the station. Gene just kept running his finger over the crease in his pants, and Roxanne’s bob just kept bouncing and quivering. She glanced back at my laundry basket of fireworks and cash more than a few times.

We got back to the station at about a quarter to five, and I followed the two of them up to the offices happily carrying my basket. After a quick stop at my desk, I grabbed a few of the samples and hurried to the ladies' room where I prepared to take advantage of what I felt was a perfect opportunity to impress my fellow salespeople and sales management.

My sense of showmanship told me that before I could regale my audience with the tale of how I snatched a sale from the jaws of the FM enemy, I  had to get everyone’s attention first. So when I hip-checked the glass door to the sales department, I was all smiles and both hands were blazing.

At first, there was just silence. It even got quiet around the traffic desk. I could hear Brad on the phone, reading a 30-second spot to his big account- a local chain of tire stores. He trailed off at about 20 seconds. I figured –they’re all mesmerized. So I reached in my jacket pocket and snagged a long roll of Chinese firecrackers with my pinky. I lit them with the sparkler in the other hand.

The secretary closest to me screamed first, followed by the girl at the traffic desk. Laura grabbed her purse and hid under her desk, pulling the phone down there with her. Gene and Roxanne both ran out of their offices into the hall. The janitor pushed through the double doors with a stack chair over his head, ready to swing. He was a brave guy I guess, looking back at it.

At first, I tried to stomp out the firecrackers. When that didn’t work, I ran past the traffic desk to get the jug off the water cooler, but one of the other salesmen stepped in first and extinguished the mess with a 7-11 Big Gulp of coke.

My sudden dash toward the water cooler must have really scared the traffic girl because she staggered from her chair and rolled into a corner. Shortly after that, I heard a siren in the distance. Then I heard Brad and Laura and the rest of them laughing.

Roxanne called me into her office the next day. Gene was there too.

“You understand, I’m sure, after yesterday’s visit from the police department, we are not going to accept this order from your fireworks person- Big Bang Fireworks.”

“Why not?” Admittedly, things hadn’t turned out as I’d hoped yesterday, but this development still shocked me. “I got cash in advance! And now Big Bang will advertise on an FM station!”

“Be that as it may, there are many laws surrounding the sale of fireworks in the tri-state region. Group W, a Westinghouse Corporation, and owner of KDKA does not want to incur any unnecessary litigation should there be an incident.”

“But can’t we have a disclaimer or something… we ran his spots at WWVA.”

“This is not WWVA, and I am not here to ne-go-see-ate with you.” Her blond hair quivered and bobbed. “Return the money with our regrets. And bring him a KDKA mug.”

I looked over at Gene. He looked at the crease in his pants and told me he had to agree with Roxanne. No sale. Then he looked up and smiled, and asked me how I ever found this guy. I refused to smile back, and I certainly refused to tell him my trade secrets.

After the meeting, I was even more resolved to make it at KDKA. I wanted to be invited for cocktails with Brad and Laura and the rest of the sales staff. I wanted to shop at Loehmann's with Roz Goldberg, or be asked a glamorous question like could a person travel around Europe (Europe!) without knowing a second language. I wanted to be a person marked for bigger things.

So I kept at it. I’d learned in life so far, that if I wanted something, I only had to work hard, laser my energy, and apply my ability to think on my feet. I put it in overdrive and I made a few sales. There wasn’t a lot of long term business developing, not a lot of repeat business, but I always got cash in advance. And none of the businesses I sold ever bought ads on an FM station.

After a few months, I was called into Roxanne’s office again.

To be continued in Chapter 4,  "Are You All Right?"