Old Saleswoman Sez: Just Tell Me

Tell you about it?

I really can’t do that. I can “speak of ” it, “announce” it, or “state what happened”. But tell you? I really can’t do that.

Why you ask me??

Well the answer starts back in about 2016 when people had gotten into the habit of reacting to news of any significance only after reading about it in the news and information digester, or simply “ digester”, of their choice.

And of course, by 2016, there were lots to choose from. All putting things in “context”, or in “perspective”; all curating and reassembling facts, and all telling you what “the take away” is and just plan differing on how to “tell” a story. So by 2020 when everything went down, people were getting their news digested by so many sources in so many ways, no one was getting anything near what resembled the same story- about anything. Even when a story was captured on a cell phone or by a drone! Even when they saw it with their own eyes! People still waited for their news digester to tell them what they saw.

And that- all that telling-is what really led to The Telling Riots that broke out on September 3, 2022. That’s why a news event that should have been considered a monumentally exciting scientific discovery, broke society as we knew it and why I really can’t tell you anything anymore. For instance. I shouldn’t be telling you about this. But I am. Because it’s important and you really do have to know.

It started over something so simple.

A family of four, living in Schaumburg IL was playing with a litter of eight-week old puppies born to the family’s golden retriever, Trixie. The father of Trixie’s litter was Roscoe, a beagle, and the only male dog within a few blocks who had somehow made it to 6 with his privates intact.

The male head of the household who owned Trixie was thrilled to have something of interest to put on social media, (it later became known that he had been treated in 2020 for social media attention addiction) so he posted hours of video of their six puppies via a puppy –cam on every conceivable social media outlet. Puppies had been done before, had been done for years, but something about these puppies was so unique the feed went viral almost immediately. Not just viral, the puppy –cam “broke the internet” as they used to say.

Why you ask me again?

Well, I’ll tell you why. Yes, I’ll TELL you. I have to tell you so you’ll understand.

They talked! The puppies talked! Clear middle American, mid-western English! And so did Trixie! But with a slight southern accent. (She was born and raised in Alabama.)

Of course, there was much excitement. Actually, there was hysteria. No one had ever heard a dog talk before! People had wondered about and hoped for such a thing for hundreds of years- as long as dogs and people have lived together. And now, finally, it was part of the world’s reality. What could this possibly mean for our society?

The digesters immediately went to work telling people the answer.

All of them, from your local Patch to the NY Times “weighed in”. (Another phrase banned from our language because it signals a “telling”. And besides everyone was sick of it.) Of course all the digesters’ tellings were different and many were in conflict.

For example, when some digesters stated that testing should be done on Trixie and her litter hoping to prove it was all a hoax, the digesters who spoke to groups who wanted to ban animal testing became enraged. So the “testers” in order to prove that their tests were harmless, offered to do their testing live on camera. This worked the digesters who spoke for the media outlets into a frenzy as to who would get broadcast and advertising rights. When college students heard of the impending

broadcast their digesters demanded a 20-second delay, with trigger warnings because it was rumored that some of the puppies were prone to vile politically incorrect statements when under stress. This got the educators’ digesters in an uproar because if these pups were this unmanageable perhaps one or two must have ADHD or were on the spectrum and forget testing. Early intervention was called for instead.

The agricultural interests’ digesters wanted no testing, broadcasting, or intervention of any kind because if we started treating dogs that talked just like humans, what would

happen if a few plants started talking a blue streak? How would they stay in business, not to say what would we all eat since most people had given up meat; afraid that other talking animals might show up on their dinner table.

The nudists’ digesters said don’t worry about plants, they knew for a fact the only ones that talk are hemp and cotton, and by the way, they’re saying such nasty, evil stuff they certainly deserve to be eradicated. (The point had been made about leather and if people couldn’t wear cotton or hemp what was left? Wool? In these temperatures?)

Koko the gorilla who had been signing for years and had maintained a small but loyal following signed that all plants do talk, they just talk very quietly and slowly and only Lowland gorillas can hear them. Most digesters dismissed this statement as the meanderings of a jealous has-been whose thunder had been stolen.

Then when the Chinese digesters, who had suspected that dogs could talk for centuries but considered them a delicacy anyway, read about Koko they offered to take him back to China where he’d be shown the kind of respect a signing low-land gorilla deserves.

This angered the North Korean digesters who wanted a signing gorilla of their own and were afraid that without one they would be viewed as a second-class power.

Of course, the PETA’s digesters basically told everyone in so many words I told you so. And now you’re all banished to hell.

It was a real mess of tellings. But for the first time, all these various “tellings” were pissing people off.

Groups’ splintered, families split up. Friends no longer spoke. Fights broke out in the street. Redditt had sub-sub-sub groups. Each and every one of the digesters had such different takeaways about the pups in such self-righteous, all-knowing terms that anyone who read one digester couldn’t break bread with anyone who read another.

And just when the tension in the world was almost unbearable the unthinkable happened. Trixie and her puppies were kidnapped from their back yard without a trace.

They were never seen again.

How could this be?

One last time the people turned to their news digesters for answers. But this time it was different. The people weren’t interested in assigning blame to their favorite digesters’ bogeyman. As a matter of fact, the people realized it was the digesters who were at fault for this kidnapping. If they hadn’t pit group against group and driven some group or someone to do this loathsome thing, Trixie and her wonderful brood would still be with us instead of lost to us all, forever.

Did it make sense? Maybe not. But people were angry-mad as hell. So it was no surprise when one thing became increasingly clear to almost every living being. The digesters had to go.

But who to lead the charge? Who to trust to reestablish the establishment?

Well as you know after a few tumultuous months, a great leader did emerge who led the great uprising that started September 3, 2022. He and his pack of supporters took on the digesters.

They started by storming 30 Rock, and the Ed Sullivan Theater just to make a statement. Then they made sure all the local cable companies’ offices were burned to the ground. Any big box store that sold TVs, computers, or internet devices was ransacked multiple times making business impossible. Once this pack of rebels was voted into office anything with the label 'smart' was banned. Nothing was streamed. This time the internet literally was broken. Eventually, after years of upheaval and unrest, social media came to mean leaving your calling card near someone’s mailbox.

So why am I risking all and telling you this? Because it is your legacy and it is your turn to take over. Now on your sixth birthday, just like your great, great, many times great grandfathers before you, and your first known grandfather many years ago on September 3, 2022, it is your turn to lead us and keep us safe from tellings and digesters. It’s your turn Roscoe the 15^th."

“Woof!!”